A/N: Epic non-headcanon post ahoy! This ridiculously long thing is brought to you as a collaboration between the magnificent Gestahlt and me to celebrate SnK-Headcanon’s tumblr milestone of hitting 100+ followers. In addition to co-writing these rumours, Gestahlt also helped birth even more headcanons, so please look forward to those in the near future!
You’ll note that for Mike and Hanji, some of the rumours alternate between their full names and their titles as Squad Leaders—those are deliberate as subtle indications of the rumour’s origin. Not terribly important, but consider this our disclaimer for the inconsistency. :)
Bonus points for whoever can identify the inspiration source of Erwin’s first 4 rumours (Nos. 61-64).
ETA: Renumbered manually to accommodate all themes!
Rumours Concerning L.C. Rivaille
001) Lance Corporal Rivaille is actually shorter than he looks.
002) Lance Corporal Rivaille wears heel-lifts during formal occasions for an extra two-and-a-half vertical centimetres.
003) Lance Corporal Rivaille is actually 40+ years old.
004) Lance Corporal Rivaille is older than Erwin.
005) Lance Corporal Rivaille is older than Pixis.
006) Lance Corporal Rivaille retains his youthful look by having bathed in the body fluids of all the Titans he’s killed.
007) The bathrooms Lance Corporal Rivaille use are always cleaner after he uses them.
008) Lance Corporal Rivaille smells like what sweet dreams are made of.
009) One time Lance Corporal Rivaille got drunk at the annual Military Service and Survival Awards Ceremony and was propositioned by Lieutenant Würstel during the reception. He also almost castrated Lieutenant Würstel with a Vine glass and only stopped because the Commander had to physically restrain him.
010) One time, Lance Corporal Rivaille had to sleep in the Commander’s quarters because Mike Zakarius brought five hookers to their shared room. (According to Dietrich Schlangel, Mike Zakarius spent the next three nights sleeping in the stables after that incident.)
011) Lance Corporal Rivaille’s room is so clean, you can eat off the floor.
012) Lance Corporal Rivaille is said to be a certified clean freak. But really, it’s because he is allergic to dust and sneezes like a girl.
013) When Lance Corporal Rivaille smiles, Mike Zakarius experiences temporary ED (erectile dysfunction).
014) When Lance Corporal Rivaille smiles, you only have 30 seconds to beg for forgiveness.
015) When Lance Corporal Rivaille smiles, you only have 5 seconds to hand over a shiny new bottle of Vinedex™ or face prolonged suffering in your man-bits, if you have them.
016) When Lance Corporal Rivaille smiles, you have 2 seconds to hand over a bottle of disinfectant before he punts you back and forth across the room (the disinfectant will be for you and your inevitable injuries). [*]
017) Someone once tried to hit Lance Corporal Rivaille with a ball of turd; when the Corporal caught him, he couldn’t take a dump normally for a week.
018) Lance Corporal Rivaille used to do ballet as a kid, and will Grand jeté you in the head if you give him cheek about it.
019) One time, Lance Corporal Rivaille took down 10 titans on his own because he thought they were too tall.
020) Lance Corporal Rivaille doesn’t need 3D maneuver gear to hunt Titans; he just uses it so as to not hurt the Tech Department’s feelings.
Rumours Concerning Mike Zakarius
021) Mike Zakarius can pinpoint the nearest brothel in a 20 kilometre radius through smell alone.
022) Mike Zakarius can identify what you had for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and who you went home with last night through smell alone.
023) Squad Leader Mike can smell it when you’re telling a lie.
024) Mike Zakarius smells like lady’s perfume and cigarette smoke.
025) Mike Zakarius smells like old spice.
026) Mike Zakarius smells like victory.
027) Mike Zakarius has a child in every town that has housed the Scouting Legion on sortie missions.
028) One time, the Shiganshina District’s number one prostitute tried to shave off Squad Leader Mike’s beard while he was asleep to use in a fertility rite.
029) Mike Zakarius’ facial hair is the key component to a lot of outer district home remedies against ED.
030) Mike Zakarius’ facial hair is a key ingredient to Hanji Zoe’s proprietary blends of aphrodisiac.
031) Inner district courtesans will pay in gold for Mike Zakarius’ seed.
032) Squad Leader Mike can immediately sniff out potential threats to his sexual health, which is how he manages to stay clean and perfectly virile despite being voted “Most likely to die from an STD” five times in the annual scouting legion yearbook.
033) Mike Zakarius releases pheromones that make him irresistible to women, some men, and certain breeds of horses.
034) When Mike Zakarius masturbates, a rare spotted marmoset is born.
035) Mike Zakarius doesn’t masturbate often because he doesn’t need to. Nobody has seen a spotted marmoset since the Fall of Wall Maria.
036) Squad Leader Mike’s piss smells like Squad Leader Hanji’s makeshift distillery.
037) They say Mike Zakarius’ semen has the same properties as many of Hanji Zoe’s most potent brews.
038) One time, Squad Leader Mike set part of a forest ablaze when he tried to put out the camp fire by urinating on it.
039) If you see Mike Zakarius with a box of matches, be afraid; if you see him adjust his fly, be very afraid; if you see him doing both, for the love of the Walls, get the fuck out of there.
040) Mike Zakarius’ nose is insured for a season pass in the Inner District’s swankiest brothel.
Rumours Concerning Hanji Zoe
041) One time, Squad Leader Hanji used Lance Corporal Rivaille’s and Squad Leader Mike’s’ bed sheets to sew whitey-tighties for a captured 10 Meter class titan. One with the goatee and chest hair.
042) Hanji Zoe and Dott Pixis regularly meet for lunch and rate that week’s sighted Titans on an attractiveness scale of 1 to “I can imagine myself in his/her mouth right now.”
043) One time, Squad Leader Hanji fell asleep in the middle of the mess hall and told everyone within earshot that she has a mole on her right butt-cheek.
044) One time, Squad Leader Hanji fell asleep in the middle of a expedition-planning meeting and revealed to everyone in attendance that she has seen all the male Squad Leaders naked. This apparently includes Commander Erwin.
045) Hanji Zoe has a preserved lock of titan hair from her first titan experiment, which she managed to save with some homemade Titan preservative.
046) Hanji Zoe has an entire Titan preserved in pieces in the Tech Department storage facilities.
047) Hanji Zoe sleeps with Titan dolls.
048) Squad Leader Hanji doesn’t need to get your voluntary consent to participate in an experiment; she knows where you sleep.
049) Squad Leader Hanji’s glasses actually help make Titans look more attractive by making her eyesight worse.
050) Hanji Zoe didn’t always use to like Titans, until that time she drank a pitcher of her own home-brewed Vine, and looked out her tent to see a Titan peering bashfully from between two tall trees. They say she felt a connection for about two seconds, until Lance Corporal Rivaille cut it down.
051) Hanji Zoe is proficient in several dead languages and is currently the only person in the legion who has gotten away with making fun of Lance Corporal Rivaille’s height to his face.
052) Squad Leader Hanji once ran out of gas in the middle of a mission. She managed to create a suitable fuel substitute on the spot using her cannister of Vine and the oil from a Titan’s carcass.
053) Hanji Zoe’s GoGo Juice is the top selling item among male soldiers for Lovers’ Day.
054) More than half of Mike Zakarius’ successful lady conquests was when Hanji Zoe was his wingman.
055) Hanji Zoe has developed a truth serum that tastes like horse piss but is so effective that the King has ordered it to be used only for national emergencies.
056) Hanji Zoe keeps a little black book containing the darkest secrets of all three military factions’ senior officers, which she has accumulated over years of plying them with free Vine. Unofficially, it’s the Scouting Legion’s most heavily guarded document. Officially, Lance Corporal Rivaille already dropped it into a Titan’s gaping maw to appease the MP Chief Nile Dawk.
057) Hanji Zoe acquires the ingredients of her Vine brews through a combination of Mike Zakarius’ resourcefulness, Erwin Smith’s occasional blind eye, and the unspoken threat of “accidentally” slipping unknown elements into the refusing soldier’s hip flask.
058) They say the name “Hanji Zoe” is used as an expletive among the Inner District clergymen—especially those who consider Vine consumption a sin.
059) One time, Hanji Zoe actually made Lance Corporal Rivaille cry, by unintentionally splashing her experimental Vine brew into his eyes. For science.
060) Hanji Zoe makes fun of Lance Corporal Rivaille and Mike Zakarius all the time, but when some upstart Military Police officer insulted them to her face, that officer found himself indisposed for a week due to an unexplained case of explosive diarrhea.
Rumours Concerning Erwin Smith
061) The Commander’s brain is insured for a year’s supply of meat.
062) The Commander’s eyebrows are insured for a year’s supply of potatoes.
063) One time, the Commander met Dott Pixis on Wall Maria, and Pixis told him he was sexy.
064) One time, the Commander punched his Majesty in the face. It was awesome.
065) The Commander uses 3D maneuver gear blades to shape and trim his eyebrows.
066) The Commander uses 3D maneuver gear blades to shave.
067) The Commander once subdued a dissenter with nothing but his cheekbones.
068) The Commander writes anonymous poetry addressed to the Generalissimo Dallis Zacklay for stress relief.
069) The Commander writes anonymous poetry addressed to Lance Corporal Rivaille for stress relief.
070) The Commander keeps the most comprehensive list of creative insults attributable to Lance Corporal Rivaille and Mike Zakarius for stress relief.
071) The Commander keeps a shitlist. You just don’t know when it’s going to be your turn.
072) The Commander sings the most recent Inner District opera-hits in the shower. (And according to Squad Leader Hanji, he has a really good voice.)
073) When the Commander tells you to jump, you ask how high, else you be turned over to Lance Corporal Rivaille for insubordination.
074) The Commander makes wagers against Dott Pixis on everything and anything. They say he wins more often than he loses.
075) One time, the Commander got into a staring contest with Squad Leader Hanji’s pet Titan. The Commander won.
076) The Commander’s preferred method of discipline is spanking.
077) One time, the Commander had to escape the particularly tenacious advances of Lady Wilhelmina by scaling Wall Sina two days before his scheduled departure.
078) The Commander enticed Lance Corporal Rivaille into the military service by promising him a lifetime’s worth of cleaning supplies.
079) The Commander initially joined the Scouting Legion because he thought their emblem looked the best.
080) The Commander has created a separate, specific section in the Recon Corps by-laws for punitive measures against squad leaders Lance Corporal Rivaille, Mike Zakarius and Hanji Zoe, since the regular punishments are insufficient deterrents.
Rumours Concerning Dott Pixis
081) Dott Pixis has been married 3 times, each time to a 180+ centimetres tall blonde bombshell.
082) Dott Pixis’ second wife left him because he was too passive aggressive whenever they had their lovers’ tiffs—and because he always won those arguments anyway.
083) Dott Pixis left his third wife because she was even more passive aggressive than he was during their lovers’ tiffs.
084) Dott Pixis keeps sketches of blonde female titans and chest measurements / vital statistics of favoured soldiers under his command in the same black notebook. A full page is dedicated to Erwin Smith. The centerfold remains to be a sketch of a buxom female titan thusly named “Mrs. Pixis, the Fourth.”
085) Dott Pixis used to have long hair. He lost all of it when a blonde female type titan nearly tore off his scalp when she bit off his ponytail in a bloody skirmish.
086) Dott Pixis sleeps with a 5 meter long body pillow, embroidered with the likeness of his last wife.
087) Once, Dott Pixis managed to temporarily blind an enemy titan, by the reflection of the high noon sun from the top of his bald head.
088) Dott Pixis once stood in as a trainee squad instructor in place of Keith Shadis for a week. At the end of it, then Cadet Erwin Smith rose to the number one spot in the rankings.
089) Once, a cadet eavesdropped on a confidential meeting between Dott Pixis and Keith Shadis and overheard cunning strategies on bald head maintenance and preservation of vocal chords for a full day of shouting at foot soldiers / cadets / peons.
090) Dott Pixis is personally funding Hanji Zoe’s efforts to develop a hair regrowth formula.
091) Dott Pixis swallows two spoonfuls of ginger daily to keep his voice strong and powerful.
092) Once, a street thief tried to mug Dott Pixis while he was walking downtown. Unfortunately, all the thief got was the wallet that contained nothing but card-sized sketches of the different ways he wants to be devoured by a Titan. No one has tried to mug Dott Pixis ever since.
093) One time, Dott Pixis got drunk at the annual Military Service and Survival Awards Ceremony and told Commander Erwin that he’d look a lot better with longer hair.
094) One time, Dott Pixis asked Mike Zakarius if he’d ever consider shaving everything and growing out his hair.
095) When Dott Pixis stops smiling, that’s when you prostrate yourself on the floor and beg for mercy.
096) Dott Pixis’ hip flask no longer contains Vine; nowadays it’s filled with whatever is the Weekly Hanji Special.
097) Dott Pixis actually keeps two identical hip flasks; one to offer to those he dislikes, and one for his regular needs. No one knows which one contains the Weekly Hanji special.
098) Dott Pixis has three emotional settings: “Calm,” “Amused,” and “Where are all the good-looking Titans?”
099) Dott Pixis has screamed only once in his life; those who heard it are either long-gone or have been placed under secret witness protection since then.
100) Dott Pixis’ speeches are usually comprised of three parts: (i) the uplifting commentary to boost morale; (ii) the status report on the current mission; and (iii) the now-signature, guilt-tripping, manhood-withering criticism for anyone planning to desert.
[*] For a couple other “When Lance Corporal Rivaille smiles” rumours, please refer to #5 in the fic They See Him Smiling; They Be Hating.